When Micah and I decided we would actively try to have children (we have never prevented conception, but weren't actively trying to conceive for the first year of our marriage), I really didn't think the journey would be this long. I knew in the back of my mind what the reality could be (from what my doctors had told me), but that wouldn't be us. Surely, not us. Then, a year passed. And another year, and another. Now, we are well into our fourth year of trying to become parents. I say trying, but a more appropriate word may be waiting. The trying has officially stopped. Well, not completely. But I have decided that I am done with being obsessive about tracking my cycle. I don't know how well it will work, but I can't live my life constantly thinking about when the next window of opportunity might be. IfyaknowwhatImean.....
This year, I'm going to spend less time worrying and fussing over what I don't have......and instead be grateful for what I do have. A great husband, a job I adore, supportive friends, and the list could go on and on. I'm going to be joyful. And, I am going to pray harder for the children God has chosen for us that may already be alive (how crazy is that!).
Newsflash: I have already failed!!! The second my AF comes, everything falls apart. My mind immediately goes to the gutter. I start questioning everything, frustration and anger settle in, and I shut down. I wonder how many times I will fail {every month?!}, but no matter how many times I fail, Jesus is right there to pick me back up and carry me in His arms.
Best part of my day: Micah stopping by to get some FroYo to soothe my aching wisdom tooth (teeth?!). Pineapple with coconut and almonds. Perfection for a Monday evening. It's the little things.
I bet a lot of people are going to say- "Good, finally. Just stopping tracking and you'll be pregnant before you know it." And you know- that's not comforting either. That's false hope. Here's another chance for you to extend His grace to them, forgive, let it go and not be bitter- which is where Satan wants to lodge you for good.
ReplyDeleteAs you pursue joy, you will find thanksgiving a part of that pursuit. Pray and ask God to show you where true hope is found. You know the answer, but ask for eyes to see it and a heart to feel it.
It's okay to fail. Mostly writing that for myself. Just read this twice yesterday, so again for myself: Discovery is messy.
We are already an imperfect being. We're sinners. So when we mess up, God's not surprised. He doesn't glance at us and go "Whoa! What on earth happened here?!" True hope? Jesus.
(thus endeth the Bible lesson :)