This too, shall pass.

This evening, I was reading Habakkuk 3:17-19.

¹⁷Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail,
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
¹⁸yet I will rejoice in the LORD;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
¹⁹GOD, the Lord, is my strength;
he makes my feet like the deer's;
he makes me tread on my high places.

I realized that if I was the author, I would have written it a bit differently.  So, here is my version of the same passage:

¹⁷Though my body refuses to conceive,
and there is will be no baby in nine months;
though I may not ovulate,
and we miss the timing this month {once again};
though the familiar cramps consume me,
and I find myself mourning over another month lost,
though my best friends and family members are celebrating new life,
and the disease of impatience continues to rot in my soul,
¹⁸yet I will search for a way to rejoice in the Lord,
I will continue to fight to be joyful in God my savior.

I'm not quite sure what I should write for verse 19. Let's just say I'm letting God be my strength since I really have no strength left of my own.  Sometimes I really wonder what life will be like when this season comes to a close. And I have to remind myself on days like today, this too shall pass.

Another Year

When Micah and I decided we would actively try to have children (we have never prevented conception, but weren't actively trying to conceive for the first year of our marriage), I really didn't think the journey would be this long.  I knew in the back of my mind what the reality could be (from what my doctors had told me), but that wouldn't be us.  Surely, not us.  Then, a year passed.  And another year, and another.  Now, we are well into our fourth year of trying to become parents.  I say trying, but a more appropriate word may be waiting.  The trying has officially stopped.  Well, not completely.  But I have decided that I am done with being obsessive about tracking my cycle.  I don't know how well it will work, but I can't live my life constantly thinking about when the next window of opportunity might be. IfyaknowwhatImean.....

This year, I'm going to spend less time worrying and fussing over what I don't have......and instead be grateful for what I do have.  A great husband, a job I adore, supportive friends, and the list could go on and on.  I'm going to be joyful. And, I am going to pray harder for the children God has chosen for us that may already be alive (how crazy is that!).

Newsflash: I have already failed!!!  The second my AF comes, everything falls apart.  My mind immediately goes to the gutter.  I start questioning everything, frustration and anger settle in, and I shut down.  I wonder how many times I will fail {every month?!}, but no matter how many times I fail, Jesus is right there to pick me back up and carry me in His arms.

Best part of my day: Micah stopping by to get some FroYo to soothe my aching wisdom tooth (teeth?!). Pineapple with coconut and almonds. Perfection for a Monday evening.  It's the little things.

The Family Christmas

As with most people with infertility, we do not really look forward to the holiday season - specifically family gatherings.  This year was no different.  However, this was the first year in the past 3 years that I wasn't a big ball of mess.  I enjoyed the time with my nieces and nephews.  There is nothing like it for me.  I love them to pieces and often think of them as my own children.

Even so, there is still an emptiness in my heart.  An emptiness that nothing can fill.  An emptiness not many people can understand (nor do I expect them to).  I know many friends and family that prayed for us over the holiday season, and we can't thank you enough.  I felt those prayers throughout all of our various family gatherings.  Family gatherings where there were new babies, pregnancy announcements, and endless talk of motherhood (and how special it is) and children.

This Christmas, my prayer was that I would not be consumed with my circumstance of infertility, but that I would be consumed with the amazing gift given to us over 2,000 years ago.  And when I sat down to think about it on Christmas (and the days after), I was overwhelmed by the love of God.  A God who loves me despite all of my flaws (and there are oh, so many).  A God that sent His own son to die for my sin so that I could be adopted into His family.  How amazing is that?! 

The {Really} Hard Truth.

So.....my sister had a baby on Saturday, November 19th.

I would be lying if I said I was “okay.”  In fact, I feel far from “okay.”  People ask me how things are going, and my instinct is to just say “okay.”  This is a very hard post to write – for many reasons.  I know that members of my family read this blog.  But for just one post, I am going to write my true feelings even though it may hurt.  If you are looking for a blog post that will give you the warm fuzzies, you will want to look elsewhere.  I am serious.  Stop reading now before you read and then complain about my blog to someone else.  I need to be honest.  For myself.  Writing on this blog really is like therapy to me. 

Also, this post will probably sound random – I’m just writing out my emotions.

Last summer was one of the hardest summers of my life.  Not exaggerating here.  When I found out my 16 year-old sister was pregnant, my world {which was already crumbling from the emotions of infertility} shattered.  It hurt me that my family hid the pregnancy from me, because they were scared to tell me.  I understand that it would be hard to tell me.  I understand why they didn’t want to hurt me.  But, the facts are that it was going to hurt period.  It also hurt that my sister that was pregnant had someone else tell me.  She chose not to tell me herself. 

Mariah is still my sister.  She will always be my sister. I will love her no matter what. I will love her child no matter what. Nothing can change this.  I love my family (siblings, parents, nieces, nephews and all!) with my whole being. 

Unfortunately, there is no easy way to deal with this situation.  I have felt for the past 3 years that my heart is continually being ripped apart with no time for healing.  Salt is continually being poured over this open wound with no relief in sight. 

With that said, I fully expected my family to not say much to me when my sister was having her baby (based on previous experiences).  However, when that actually happened, I was hurt.  Very hurt.  My sister Rebekah was the only one in my family that said anything.  I feel selfish for even saying this, but it would have been nice for my other sisters/mother to call or text me.  Just to let me know they were thinking of me.  They knew this was painful, but I felt rejected and isolated.  I still feel rejected and isolated.  No one has mentioned the birth to me besides Rebekah. It’s almost like people avoid me or when they talk to me they completely avoid the subject.  I’m not sure why.

Micah on the other hand, was very understanding. He saw me weeping.  He didn’t try to make everything better – he was just there.  I know that he was weeping on the inside, too.  We have had some deep discussions through this trial.  At times, I really wonder if life can get harder than this. I know it sounds silly.  But, our hopes and dreams have been crushed, only for others to be handed the cards we want dealt.  It’s just not fair.  And yes Dad, I know life isn’t fair! 

My deepest desire right now is to have children.  I feel as if Satan is slapping me in the face and laughing.  It hurts.  Three of my four younger sisters have children.  None of them are married.  Two of Micah’s three brothers have children.  One of them is married (neither were married at the time).  Very few couples that we are friends with (or that were married around the same time we were) have no children.  In fact, many of these couples have 2-3 children now. 

Not many people think about the social impact infertility will have on a couple.  Trust me, there is a social impact! 

It’s now been almost 3 weeks since my niece’s birth.  I get constant facebook updates (not surprised by this).  Everything seems so perfect.  Perfect family.  Perfect life.  I wonder when the honeymoon phase will subside.  I hope the best for my sister, her boyfriend and their child.  But it is very hard for me to be happy.  Happy that a 16-year old has a child?  What kind of world do we live in when this is okay?  I am sad that my sister is bonding with her child when I still do not have a baby in my arms.  My arms are empty – just waiting my turn – a turn that may never come (as far as biological children go).

And yet, I still have yet to receive a phone call, text or email from my family about the baby.  It hurts.  They may talk to me, but the baby subject is completely avoided.  I feel alone and isolated.  Abandoned.  I have no one to turn to except for my husband and my God.

So, how am I really feeling?  This letter is a somewhat accurate description.  I feel robbed of joy.  I am grieving.  Some days I feel as if I am okay with having no biological children.  Other days, I am angry.  I am sad.

Pray for me.  Pray for us.  This is hard.

Why are you adopting?

This post has been in the works for a while.  Micah and I both feel there is a misconception about the reason we are adopting.  So, in order to clear up any questions or assumptions, we are going to answer some FAQ's about why we have chosen to adopt.

1. Are you adopting because of infertility?
• I would be lying if I said infertility has nothing to do with this adoption journey.  However, adoption is something Micah and I know God has called us to do.  We will adopt no matter if we end up conceiving a child biologically.  If we weren't going through infertility, we would also adopt.  Adoption is our  "Plan A."  We know God has called us to adopt.  However, He isn't calling us to adopt, because of our infertility.  Jesus commands all believers to care for widows and orphans.  For us, this will mean adoption.  Adoption is a calling - much more than just a decision to grow our family since we cannot biologically conceive.
2. Why don't you pursue fertility treatments instead of adopting?
• See #1.  Also, because my chances of conceiving are quite low (10-15% - and that is on the high side) we do not want to spend more money on trying to get pregnant when the result would probably be devastating (we are not guaranteed a child). Fertility treatments are also highly emotional - of which I already am.  Injecting myself with more hormones is not something that gets me super excited about going ahead with fertility treatments.
3. Why don't you just live a child-free life?  Wouldn't that be easier?
• In my opinion, yes, it would be easier. We would have plenty of money to live a full life.  We would be able to travel the world, live in our dream home, take vacations regularly, have nice(r) things, etc.  I could go on.  But, is that what we desire? Not at all.  In fact, we would much rather give our money that God has abundantly blessed us with (which is not really ours anyway) to further His kingdom.  Micah frequently recites the verse and asks the question of where our treasure is stored.  We need to be careful about where we store our treasures.  Yes, I like nice things and I am frequently convicted of how much "stuff" we have.  I think I "need" this or that newest gadget, piece of clothing, trip, furniture, car, whatever it may be.  The truth is, I live an abundant life. Overly abundant.  We recently decided to sponsor a Compassion child and decided to increase the amount we give to our church.  In doing this, we are also stepping out in faith that He will provide the financial resources for our adoption.
4. Shouldn't you wait to adopt until you are older?
• Does it say in the Bible to "care for orphans when you are          years of age, financially stable, completely debt free, have good jobs, a house that is paid off, and a $100,000 income?"  Ha!  No!  Jesus calls us to care for orphans.  Period.  Now, we do want to be sure that we provide a stable home environment.  But we certainly don't need to check off all of these items off "the list" people have recommended.  I remember a saying that I learned in school a long time ago - "What is popular is not always right and what is right is not always popular."  Our decision to adopt now (or even a year from now) is not popular among our families.  But who will hold us accountable in the end?

God made the decision for us to adopt early on.  It is interesting that growing up, I had dreams about adopting and I loved the thought of adoption..  Little did I know what God was really up to!

Q & A Panel

This is the FINAL session post on the Together for Adoption Chicago conference!  I will have a recap post coming up as well, so stay tuned.  :)

This session was a Q & A session where attendees could text questions for a panel to answer.

1. How can you help adopted  children hold onto their heritage?
• Holidays, support groups.
• First heritage/culture is Christ.
2. Should singles adopt?
• Yes.
• The ultimate goal of adoption is discipleship.
• Be an active part of a healthy community where a network of believers is supporting.
3. What more can the church do for orphans that have aged out of the foster system?
• Provide mentors.
• There are a few organizations that focus on this area.
4. Is birth order with biological children disrupted by adoption?
• Your family will be disrupted anyway.
• Pray for wisdom.
• Foster care acknowledges birth order.
5. Pregnancy during adoption?
• Depends on the agency.
• Be honest.
6. When did the church stop caring for the fatherless and let the government take over?
• Our culture.
• The church has always done it, but it was not always recognized or to the degree it should have.

After Adoption

This was a session that Micah attended while I went to Funding Your Adoption, so here are a few of his MVP's.

• Keep a journal.
• Take advantage of the case workers and their knowledge.
• Be super organized for court dates.
• You don't have to answer anybody's questions.
• God will provide financial resources.
• Be honest with yourself about your capabilities. 
• Don't take on more than you can handle.
• Educate yourself about your child's special needs.

One of the couples that talked in this session had so much in common with us.  I really wish I was at the session.  Micah ended up introducing me to them afterwards and we ate lunch together.  It was crazy how much we had in common (and I mean CRAZY...).  I feel very strongly that this couple is a reason God had us attend this conference.  They talked with us, understood our circumstances, listened to our struggles and prayed with us.